anyway over the years the weight has crept on until now it is intolerable. For so long I have been having a mental battle - I hate the fact that I feel pressure to look a certain way, and because I don't look that certain way I feel like I am not good enough, I am a failure. I would love to be one of those BBW who embrace their bodies and love themselves for who they are - but I am not.
I have always battled with body image though. When I was 22 I weighed in at 55kg - just on the borderline of being 'underweight'. There are not many photos of me from that time - I look sick though. However, I thought I was 'fat'. I would not wear a bikini because I was too ashamed of my body. Years later I found the boardshorts I would wear at the time (size 8) and marvel at how tiny they are.
I first started to put on weight in about 2003 - enough so that I had to buy new clothes (ehmegerd a SIZE 12!!!) well that was the pants. I was so horrified by the 'belly' I had that I bought all these tops to hide it - and I still wear them now, and I am more of a size 18 these days! Eventually by the time I turned 30 I weighed in a 76kg, somewhere between a 12 - 14 dress size and I was actually reasonably comfortable with my body for the first time in my life. I ate what I liked and didn't seem to put on any weight for a number of years. I was firmly in the 'overweight' category according to the BMI calculations though.
Then in 2010 I moved out on my own and started getting quite creative in the kitchen - some of the meals I cooked were brilliant but I would over indulge all the time... also I lived near a takeaway so if I wasn't cooking up a storm it was a piece of deep friend crumbed fish with two potato scallops and a can of coke - usually that would happen twice a week... plus saturday night was either chinese or indian... the weight crept up to 79kg. I could still fit into my leathers but they were definitely on the tight side by then.
In 2011 I quit smoking - 26/4/2011 was my last day as a smoker - I haven't even had a drag since then (though there has been a bit of passive smoking!). And I stacked on the weight after that. Discussing the matter with various friends who had previously quit smoking it seemed to be the norm to gain 1kg for each month off the smokes. And so the weight went up and up and up. By August 2011 my 'fat' leather pants were too tight and I could no longer wear my draggin jeans.
Over summer 2011/2012 I started dieting madly, between rapid loss shakes and eating salad (which I actually came to enjoy - as long as it was prepared on MY terms, ie cut up really small and heaps of whatever sauce/guacamole I made).
I turned to the internet for help. I found a program called "Beyond Diet" which I signed up for (cost about $40). It was actually pretty could, though pretty difficult with my dietary prejudices. In April this year my sisters and I went to Sydney - I managed to squeeze back into my draggin jeans! They were heaps tight though but still... on came winter and the comfort food and the weight came back - plus more. I would deprive myself very strictly all day and then gorge on chocolate in the afternoon and pizza in the evening. I gave up cooking for myself, it was almost like i was punishing myself, oh well you're too fat, no point looking after yourself, that pizza will make you fat, oh well I'm fat already! If I lost a few kilos I would gain it straight back. Very frustrating.
Recently I felt motivated to look at weight loss again. I spent a buckload of money on more rapid loss shakes (I do actually quite like them... for breakfast. Not once did I manage to convince myself to have one for lunch or dinner). Then a couple of weeks ago a friend mentioned that perhaps I should try going paleo... I had read a bit about it but it all sounded too hard...
when I got home I again consulted the internet and realised that a paleo diet could actually work in with my dietary prejudices - and it had some of my favourite things - like bacon. No peas and corn??? I"m SOLD, I hate those little fuckers!!!!
I found a really awesome blog at eat drink paleo and I have tried out a few of the recipes from there. Last week I did reasonably well at sticking to it, the weekend was a write-off but this week (it is now Friday night) has been good.
I'm not sure, but I think I hit ketosis on Tuesday. I'm not sure if that is enough time but I hit a wall... it was about 7:45pm and I just couldn't stay awake anymore, I crawled into bed with the intention of reading my book and i was out like a light. The early part of this week I had been quite headachy (aspirin cured that) and I have been hell thirsty and needing to pee all the time, feeling reasonably tired too and sleeping lots. So I think I'm there. If that's as bad as it gets I'm so lucky!!!! Maybe I am fooling myself though, who knows.
This morning as I was doing up my jacket to go to work I noticed that it wasn't as tight as it usually was. I have lost 2kg according to the scales but if I have lost some off my belly I will be thrilled (still waaaaaay too much there).
I have been going for a 20 minute walk around my suburb most mornings. I am finding the food really good. I have had no real desire for snackies. I sat next to the chocolates in the lunchroom today and it was fine. I feel pretty good apart from the tiredness. I feel like my belly is skinnier even though when I look in the mirror it's not, perhaps an absolute lack of grains is responsible for this :)
So tonight I am going to have a steak and a fried egg. I am going away for the weekend which might be a bit tricky. Part of me is inclined to 'let myself go' a little bit but then part of me is quite keen to give this a really good shot. I have a little cooler bag and I bought a freezer block thingo so I am going to take some cold meat with me for lunch/snackies. Breakfast shouldn't be too hard, it will only be dinner tomorrow night. We are going to an RSL so I figure maybe I'll get the roast with the veggies and just eat what I can, or maybe I will hang the diet and get a steak with chips and diane sauce :D It's supposed to be pretty hot out there so might not want a big meal anyway. I guess we'll see tomorrow!
Anyway I thought I would start this up to track my journey... let's see what happens.
Oh I am tracking my food intake on myfitnesspal too - which I am finding really helpful. My goal weight is 76kg - to fit back into my leathers! Though I wouldn't mind losing a shedload more than that, but that goal will do for starters.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
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