Major blowout!

WHOAH!!!! So Tuesday I woke up feeling pretty rotten but went to work anyway. Wednesday I was still not good and Thursday the same. Yesterday was Thursday. I had intended to go to work on Thursday. I woke up feeling pretty rotten so decided to skip my walk and instead stayed in bed for the extra half hour. Got up and made my breakfast and tried to choke it down but failed. I felt so awful!! So I went back to bed and called in sick. Bleurgh. I eventually got up and migrated to the couch. Then in the afternoon back to bed for a while. I woke up and I felt to awful and had the worst carb cravings. and I gave into in a major way. First it was a Time Out bar (mum had given me an xmas stocking thingo full of chocolate bars which I put up in the top of the cupboard). That helped a little bit but then it was on to Dominos where I ordered an insane amount of food. Cheesy Bites (x 2 by accident) Spicy chicken kickers with ranch dipping sauce Chips Large spicy island pizza with cheesy crust mini dutch pancakes can of coke. SO the cheesy bites were gross and I had accidentally ordered two bags of those. So I didn't eat those. The chips were floury? powdery? So I didn't eat those. But I ate the chicken kickers, some pizza and the dessert and drank the coke. AND IT WAS GOOD!!!!! I felt a bit icky after all that food though. today I ate the left over pizza... and the remaining chocolate bars (a crunchie and a little freddo frog). Well at least all the pizza and chocolate is gone now. I am still not feeling very well. I slept until nearly 11am today. after going to bed at 9pm last night. I never do that, unless really hungover or something. Had to go out today and given that I didn't have much in the way of food I went to Woollies and bought some more bacon and some steaks. Got home and realised I needed heaps of other things too. Too tired to go back though, maybe tomorrow while the house inspection is on. If I ever get off my arse and clean up the house. Ugh plague. My stomach looks huge and gross again :( oh well start again I guess!

FATTIE FAT FAT

So I am now home from weekend school in Sydney. I am trying really hard not to beat myself up too much. I am really disappointed at how I ate over the weekend. On Friday I was good. Saturday (which I believe I already blogged about) I had a sandwich. Sunday morning I did go out for breakfast. Across the road from the hotel where I stay is a little cafe called "Fundamental Food". $15.00 got me a "big breakfast" which was: toast, two poached eggs, two rashers of bacon, two chipolata sausages, a grilled tomato half, two little hash browns and a pile of fried mushrooms and a coffee. I immediately pushed the bread to the side (well done Mel!) and everything else, apart from the hash browns was pretty good (I loved the hash browns but they were a bit naughty). But I completely failed at uni. Because breakfast was reasonably late I didn't have lunch before lectures (started at 12pm and went through to 8pm). By one of the breaks I was STARVING and ended up eating a piece of banana bread. and later on a packet of peanut M&M's and a large hot chocolate. I felt a bit sicky after uni, went back to the hotel buy my leftover shakshouka was just not appealing so I thought I would go back to Fundamental Food for a steak but they had already closed. So I went for a walk and ended up walking right into the city before I found somewhere that I felt comfortable with (I feel a bit uncomfortable walking into places that are full of happy laughing groups of people when I am alone). It wasn't very good, but I had fried noodles with various kinds of meat and some sauce. It wasn't nice and it wasn't healthy. I did sleep well though! Monday morning I got up and went for a big walk and back to Fundamental Food only to realise that they are not open on Mondays :( I ended up having eggs benny at another cafe which was alright but not good... an english muffin and the hollandaise sauce were not very good for me. I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay, it doesn't matter, I'm back on track today, but I hopped on the scales this morning and i have gained 1.5kg :( I think this is the point where I usually give up on dieting... luckily though I like the food that I am generally eating. It doesn't help that I think I am getting sick (sore throat, congestion starting up). :(

Yesterday I ate bread

So here I am in Sydney for weekend school. I was well prepared, I brought along leftovers for dinner for the three nights I am here. I arrived Friday evening and decided to be good and went to Coles and bought some bacon and eggs to make my own breakfasts here as there is a 'fully equipped kitchen'. It's not that fully equipped, no frying pan, no wooden spoons. SO I am thinking I will probably be naughty and go across the road for breakfast this morning. I don't have to be at uni until midday. Anyway, yesterday I met up with a lady I have been emailing with after purchasing textbooks from her. It was really, really lovely actually, but one thing, she took me to this particular cafe, they had THE BEST COFFEE but only a very limited menu (it was lunchtime). My first choice wasn't available, she was insisting on buying me lunch so I didnt want to get something too expensive so I ended up just getting a sandwich. It was a gourmet roast beef with tomato, mustard, cheese and onion jam and it was really good. seeing that I haven't eaten bread, or any grain products really, for over two weeks I was a little bit worried about how this might effect me, but I was completely fine. If anything I felt a bit better than I have been,I had lectures until 8pm (okay we got let out early at 7:30pm) but I didn't feel tired at all (just bored). THe last few weeksI have usually been going to bed about 8pm because I am so tired so there may be something there to keep in mind. I didn't feel sicky or bloated or any other kind of effect from the bread until this morning - I woke up and my mouth tastes AWFUL. I hadn't noticed the absence of that until this morning. I thought it was interesting anywy. No scales here so no idea what the weight is doing. Have done a decent amount of walking anyway:) Love it in Sydney!

2.5 weeks on...

So I have been eating paleo... mostly. Typically I start the day with a sweet potato and bacon omeletee (I fry a handful of grated sweet potato in a little bit of ghee, put that side then chuck a generous amount of bacon in, once that's cooked, the sweet potato goes back in, level it all out and pour two whisked eggs over the top... when done top with a bit of guacamole and goats cheese - yum!). For lunch I will generally have left overs from dinner... I haven't been particularly adventurous in this - this week on Monday I bought a bbq chicken from woolies, on Monday night I picked off and ate whatever I wanted of it, then split the remainder between two containers and that was my lunches for two days this week. I had a steak for dinner (topped with a fried egg) one night, I also bought some organic tomato and basil sausages but they weren't very nice so I only ate about half of one of those. On Saturday I went out with the FarRiders to Leeton for dinner. I packed a little cooler bag with a couple of types of salami and this actually worked well for lunch on the go. That's good to know. For dinner I had a steak and it was fabulous. It was topped with mushrooms, bacon and cheese and had big chunky chips on the side. I ate about half the chips. I also had a hot chocolate after dinner, it came with mini-marshmellows which I tried to scrape off but they just stuck to my spoon so I ate them. I didn't feel any worse for eating the above. On Wednesday I had my annual performance review. So did my manager. My manager achieved an important personal milestone (mine wasn't too shabby either) so we decided to go out to lunch to celebrate. Scotch fillet burgers at the Uni Pub! I deconstructed my burger, took off the bun and the lettuce and tomato and ate the remainder (steak, beetroot, egg, cheese, onion jam). it also had chips and I did cave in and have a diet coke. I was really thirsty and in the past when I have been thirsty like that water doesn't help (I had drunk a heap of water already that day) but coke does... this time it didn't. anyway the coke was really nice but I could have just had water in the end. I had had a migraine that day and ended up going home early and in the evening my tummy became very swollen and bloated. Not sure if it was the coke or the chips but I am thinking the coke seeing as I have eaten chips a few times in the last couple of weeks with no particular consequence. Anyway so far I have lost 4 kilos! I feel smaller, I think my tummy is just less swollen. Maybe I do have some kind of grain intolerance! I feel really tired during the day, and I am usually in bed by 8 - 8:30pm (I do read for a bit though). I generally fall asleep as soon as I turn the light out but I have been having to get up during the night 1 - 2 times to pee, I guess as a result of all the extra water I have been drinking. I go back to sleep though and I have been sleeping pretty well. On the whole I feel pretty good and this feels pretty sustainable. This week I stumbled across the Zeroing In On Health website - which is about zero carb diets. It's pretty interesting. I said I'd do 4 weeks on paleo and I will stick to that... but after that I might give zero carb a go and see what the difference is. Paleo is fairly easy to follow for me, but given my dietary prejudices (ie. I generally hate most vegetables and fruit) I'm eating a decent amount of meat anyway. Zero-carb as far as I can tell, they eat meat, eggs and water, maybe a bit of dairy? hopefully some herbs and stuff are okay. I have a bit of time to read up more on it. I have been tracking my food intake on myfitnesspal and I maintain about a 300 - 500 calorie deficit each day. I don't try to do that, that's just how it works out. I am completely satisfied by my meals and I have no real desire to snack. The other day at work we had a birthday with cake. I went in but didn't have any cake. that was quite easy to refuse actually, I didn't desire it at all. Every one was astonished though, which was a bit embarrassing. Oh well. yesterday, I woke up feeling great, went for my little walk but while I was out my migraine showed it's ugly head again, so when I got home I took a couple of Panadeine. I made myself breakfast but after Wednesday's struggle to eat breakfast I just made a smaller omelette with one egg, as i felt a bit sicky. Turns out I felt great after I ate but eating the smaller amount played havoc with me all day, I was STARVING. By lunchtime I was ravenous. I managed to be good though and just each my left over bbq chicken which satisfied me, but by the time I got home I was really hungry again. But was able to easily withstand snacking on anything (I have a number of chocolate bars up in my cupboard and I didn't even think about those) and just had an earlyish dinner and that was that. Today I am heading up to Sydney for weekend school. The place I stay in has a 'fully equipped kitchen'. I've not ever paid that much attention to it, but I am assuming they have a microwave. I have prepared meals (shakshouka) to take with me, so I have dinner sorted for tonight, Saturday night and Sunday night. I bought a steak yesterday that I am going to have for lunch today before I go, and I am going to make an omelette to take with me for tomorrow morning, as I have to be at uni for an 8am lecture tomorrow. I might just make my breakfast there on Sunday and Monday as I am not in such a rush, or I might go to a cafe, I'm sure I'll be able to find something suitable. Lunch might be a bit more of a challenge tomorrow, I am supposed to be meeting a girl I met through the course for lunch and she has a particular cafe in mind. I guess I will find out tomorrow! On Sunday I only have a 15 min break between lectures so will probably have an early lunch before they start and just bring some cold meat to have for lunch. Well this turned into a bit of a novel! Oh well :)

A start...

Maybe keeping an online journal will be beneficial somehow...

anyway over the years the weight has crept on until now it is intolerable.  For so long I have been having a mental battle - I hate the fact that I feel pressure to look a certain way, and because I don't look that certain way I feel like I am not good enough, I am a failure.  I would love to be one of those BBW who embrace their bodies and love themselves for who they are - but I am not.

I have always battled with body image though.  When I was 22 I weighed in at 55kg - just on the borderline of being 'underweight'.  There are not many photos of me from that time - I look sick though.  However, I thought I was 'fat'.  I would not wear a bikini because I was too ashamed of my body.  Years later I found the boardshorts I would wear at the time (size 8) and marvel at how tiny they are.

I first started to put on weight in about 2003 - enough so that I had to buy new clothes (ehmegerd a SIZE 12!!!)  well that was the pants.  I was so horrified by the 'belly' I had that I bought all these tops to hide it - and I still wear them now, and I am more of a size 18 these days!  Eventually by the time I turned 30 I weighed in a 76kg, somewhere between a 12 - 14 dress size and I was actually reasonably comfortable with my body for the first time in my life.  I ate what I liked and didn't seem to put on any weight for a number of years.  I was firmly in the 'overweight' category according to the BMI calculations though.

Then in 2010 I moved out on my own and started getting quite creative in the kitchen - some of the meals I cooked were brilliant but I would over indulge all the time... also I lived near a takeaway so if I wasn't cooking up a storm it was a piece of deep friend crumbed fish with two potato scallops and a can of coke - usually that would happen twice a week... plus saturday night was either chinese or indian... the weight crept up to 79kg.  I could still fit into my leathers but they were definitely on the tight side by then.

In 2011 I quit smoking - 26/4/2011 was my last day as a smoker - I haven't even had a drag since then (though there has been a bit of passive smoking!).  And I stacked on the weight after that.  Discussing the matter with various friends who had previously quit smoking it seemed to be the norm to gain 1kg for each month off the smokes.  And so the weight went up and up and up.  By August 2011 my 'fat' leather pants were too tight and I could no longer wear my draggin jeans.

Over summer 2011/2012 I started dieting madly, between rapid loss shakes and eating salad (which I actually came to enjoy - as long as it was prepared on MY terms, ie cut up really small and heaps of whatever sauce/guacamole I made).

I turned to the internet for help.  I found a program called "Beyond Diet" which I signed up for (cost about $40).  It was actually pretty could, though pretty difficult with my dietary prejudices.  In April this year my sisters and I went to Sydney - I managed to squeeze back into my draggin jeans!  They were heaps tight though but still... on came winter and the comfort food and the weight came back - plus more.  I would deprive myself very strictly all day and then gorge on chocolate in the afternoon and pizza in the evening.  I gave up cooking for myself, it was almost like i was punishing myself, oh well you're too fat, no point looking after yourself, that pizza will make you fat, oh well I'm fat already!  If I lost a few kilos I would gain it straight back.  Very frustrating.

Recently I felt motivated to look at weight loss again.  I spent a buckload of money on more rapid loss shakes (I do actually quite like them... for breakfast.  Not once did I manage to convince myself to have one for lunch or dinner).  Then a couple of weeks ago a friend mentioned that perhaps I should try going paleo... I had read a bit about it but it all sounded too hard...

when I got home I again consulted the internet and realised that a paleo diet could actually work in with my dietary prejudices - and it had some of my favourite things - like bacon.  No peas and corn??? I"m SOLD, I hate those little fuckers!!!!

I found a really awesome blog at eat drink paleo and I have tried out a few of the recipes from there.  Last week I did reasonably well at sticking to it, the weekend was a write-off but this week (it is now Friday night) has been good.

I'm not sure, but I think I hit ketosis on Tuesday.  I'm not sure if that is enough time but I hit a wall... it was about 7:45pm and I just couldn't stay awake anymore, I crawled into bed with the intention of reading my book and i was out like a light.  The early part of this week I had been quite headachy (aspirin cured that) and I have been hell thirsty and needing to pee all the time, feeling reasonably tired too and sleeping lots.  So I think I'm there.  If that's as bad as it gets I'm so lucky!!!!  Maybe I am fooling myself though, who knows.

This morning as I was doing up my jacket to go to work I noticed that it wasn't as tight as it usually was.  I have lost 2kg according to the scales but if I have lost some off my belly I will be thrilled (still waaaaaay too much there).

I have been going for a 20 minute walk around my suburb most mornings.  I am finding the food really good. I have had no real desire for snackies.  I sat next to the chocolates in the lunchroom today and it was fine.  I feel pretty good apart from the tiredness.  I feel like my belly is skinnier even though when I look in the mirror it's not, perhaps an absolute lack of grains is responsible for this :)

So tonight I am going to have a steak and a fried egg.  I am going away for the weekend which might be a bit tricky.  Part of me is inclined to 'let myself go' a little bit but then part of me is quite keen to give this a really good shot.  I have a little cooler bag and I bought a freezer block thingo so I am going to take some cold meat with me for lunch/snackies.  Breakfast shouldn't be too hard, it will only be dinner tomorrow night.  We are going to an RSL so I figure maybe I'll get the roast with the veggies and just eat what I can, or maybe I will hang the diet and get a steak with chips and diane sauce :D  It's supposed to be pretty hot out there so might not want a big meal anyway.  I guess we'll see tomorrow!

Anyway I thought I would start this up to track my journey... let's see what happens.

Oh I am tracking my food intake on myfitnesspal too - which I am finding really helpful. My goal weight is 76kg - to fit back into my leathers! Though I wouldn't mind losing a shedload more than that, but that goal will do for starters.

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